A Touch of Love
Carmelite Eucharistic Testimony

The retreat drew to a close that evening. The lights in the chapel were dim, and the choir was quietly singing. The youth were kneeling every other row, leaving a gap before and behind. The moment drew near as the priest approached the altar, raised up the monstrance, and began to move around the chapel. He slowly processed up each row, pausing before each of the students and lowering the monstrance for them to reach out and touch Jesus. We had just heard the Gospel of the woman who suffered from a hemorrhage for twelve years. She approached Jesus in silence and lifted up a trembling hand, saying to herself, “If only I can touch his cloak, I shall be cured” (Mt 9:21). And now, one by one, the students are raising up their hands to touch not the hem of Jesus’ garment, but His very Body, present in the most Blessed Sacrament of the altar. Some hands indeed are trembling. Some are hesitant; others dart back and forth rapidly. And a few of the hands linger, pressing against our Lord, eyes locked to the white host shining in the candlelight. I knelt in the back of the chapel, watching Jesus make His way down the rows. With every step the priest took, I thought of the countless moments our Lord has given me in Adoration throughout these many years. 

First, I remembered attending Adoration as a young student in a Catholic school. At that time, I was struck by the silence and the mystery, the clouds of incense carrying our prayers to heaven with the words of a Latin chant. The bells and the blessings, the wonder of God made present to a young child. With the next step, my heart moved to the moments of Adoration during Catholic teen conferences. These were the Adorations filled with vibrant praise and worship music, conference halls packed with thousands of young people. The energy of those Adorations caught me, the pulse of life and the urgency to discern God’s call. One more step, and the next movement of my life - the Adorations as a young adult, when I sought out retreats or chapels where I could encounter Jesus face to face and ask Him where He was calling me. These were Adorations of tears, doubts, questions, struggles to discern God’s plan in my life. These were Adorations of thirsting for God, seeking Him in the night.

Another step, and I found myself remembering the Adorations in my religious formation. These were the Adorations filled with new lessons and insights - opening up Scripture, the teachings of the saints, the experience of the sisters. These were the Adorations of learning to speak with Jesus in the silence of my heart and to adore Him from the heart of the community. Jesus was drawing closer to my row, and my heart was remembering the Adorations as a Carmelite religious sister. These were the Adorations of love and longing. Love for my Lord who chose me and called me as His very own spouse, and longing to bring souls to Him. I felt the pain of love in these Adorations - the pain of the students whose suffering I could not alleviate, the families whose brokenness I could not repair, my own weaknesses which I failed again and again to overcome. These were the Adorations of healing and wholeness - where my Divine Spouse received my prayers of love and longing, and filled me with peace and joy, the peace of surrender and the joy of acceptance.

Jesus was right at the end of my row now, and drawing near to me. I gazed at Him in the monstrance, the gaze of love which has pierced my heart from year to year, through the tears and the joys, the sufferings and the growth. I kissed my hands - the unworthy, sinful hands that my Lord and my Love had called to a life of consecration and service. I reached out my hand, and trembling, pressed it to the monstrance. In that moment, that touch of love, I prayed that my Lord would sanctify my hands, sanctify and purify my life, and give me the strength and courage to walk hand in hand with the souls entrusted to my care. My prayer that evening, and my prayer for each one of you, is that you have the courage to reach out and touch our Lord. Receive Him in the Holy Eucharist, encounter Him in Adoration. And have the courage to trust that one touch alone is all that is needed to make you whole.

Sr. Deanna Therese is our first vocation from America. She currently teaches middle school religion in the Diocese of Gary, Indiana and serves as a catechist and retreat leader for the Syro Malabar Diocese.